Whirled News - Obama Running Out of Positions to Change

With his latest announcements that he is willing to consider off-shore oil drilling and opening up the Strategic Petroleum Reserves, and following his vote for the FISA bill granting retroactive immunity to telecom companies for violating the law and permitting the government to spy on every American, senior advisors in Barack Obama’s campaign worried that the number of positions the Senator could change is rapidly dwindling.

“Pretty soon, we’re going to have nothing left to shift to the right on,” said one advisor, “And we’re going to get stuck right in a quagmire in the middle of the road.”

Senator Obama, however, remained optimistic. “I still believe in hope,” he said, “And I’m convinced that the number of positions I can shift on will remain unlimited. Americans want change, and I intend to keep on changing,”

Privately, Obama strategists reassured supporters that the Senator is merely being pragmatic, and that his recent shifts in positions are intended only to ensure he wins the election.

“After the election, and after he consolidates his gains during his first term, you will see the real, progressive Obama begin to emerge sometime during his second term,” one high-placed official insisted.

Meanwhile, there were indications that Obama’s policy shifts toward the right were drawing the McCain camp’s subtle racist campaigning into the open. Following his ad linking Obama with hard-partying blonde white women, which featured subliminal phallic symbols to evoke deep-seated views of Black men as lusting after White women [it’s true: see:] the McCain camp released a new ad after Obama’s latest shifts.

“He’s as shifty on the open field as OJ Simpson,” a voiceover says, while a caricature of Obama in tight pants and wearing shoulder pads wiggles his hips and runs after screaming white women.

“And who knows what he’s really after?” The ad then exhorts people to vote for John McCain, who “Will bring out the best in Americans.”