Swine Flu Linked to Terrorists

A Fox News Scientific Report that aired Sunday identifies the looming swine flu pandemic as the latest attempt by terrorists to destroy the United States and its allies. The unfolding plot, according to Chief Science Correspondent, Aloysius Divine, underscores the deadly effects of the Obama administration’s ever softening stance toward terrorism.

“There is now incontrovertible proof,” concludes Divine, “Of a possible link between swine flu and terrorist cells. Is it mere coincidence that terrorists are launching their most emboldened attack just as the Obama administration shows signs of opening an investigation against terrorism’s most implacable foes in the Bush administration?”

In an exclusive interview with former Vice President Dick Cheney, Mr. Cheney insists that the looming pandemic vindicates Bush administration policies.

“While everyone was whining and urging us to take action during our time in office about phony issues like climate change, terrorists were busy developing a new strain of flu that will cause millions of deaths. This proves that terrorism remains the only real threat to the survival of the United States.”

In keeping with Fox News’s commitment to fair and balanced reporting, Leonard “Mad Dog” Trotsky, self-appointed spokesperson for a coalition of centrist and left-of-centrist groups, speaking from a locked down unit of a psychiatric ward in New York City, insists that former Vice President Dick Cheney himself is the actual cause of the new strain of swine flu.

“The virulence of this strain of flu and its ability to pass from swine to humans points directly to Vice President Cheney who, after years of wallowing with pigs, and his well documented propensity for causing untold suffering and deaths, is the most likely missing link between infected swine and humans,” Trotsky claims.

The former Vice President vigorously refutes the assertion, decrying Trotsky’s guilt by loose association as “un-American.”

“A looming global pandemic of these proportions,” Mr. Cheney says, “Is clearly the work of terrorists and their enablers and calls for an immediate roundup of anyone who might in any way, wittingly or unwittingly, be aiding and abetting them.”

Cheney calls for the immediate incarceration of the entire United States Justice Department and the Executive Branch of the United States government, while there is still time to save our country. Cheney also proposes a fair test to determine whether he or Trotsky are right.

“Let’s set up some extended periods of waterboarding and other truth determination techniques to separate out the innocent from the terrorists,” he says, “The guilty will eventually confess, and the information we extract from them will enable us to develop an effective vaccine. And the innocent who survive the test, after physical and mental rehabilitation and a few decades of close surveillance, can eventually return to normal lives in a much safer America.”

Mr. Cheney calls for the massive truth determination techniques to begin immediately.

“It worked at Salem and it will work here, today,” he says, “The time bomb is ticking, and we cannot afford to divert our attention from terrorism for another moment.”