Whirled News - Bush to Deliver Farewell Speech to Nation

President George Bush’s Press Secretary announced today that the President is contemplating delivering a farewell address to the nation early next month.

The plan gained immediate support. “You’ve got to keep your sense of history,” said a Chicago, IL high school history teacher. “It’s guaranteed to be the most famous self-serving speech since Nixon’s lachrymose Checkers speech, and we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren we saw it live.” Environmentalists also cheered the speech. “At least for about 40 minutes on one evening in January, his supporters won’t be out destroying the environment,” said a Greenpeace official. Wall Street and Vice President Cheney also expressed enthusiastic support, announcing that while the nation was glued to their televisions sets, bankers were going to loot the Treasury of its few remaining funds while the Vice President would lead a military coup and take over the government.

Other citizens expressed less support for the President delivering a farewell address. “It’s kind of like a rapist stopping at his victim’s bedroom door on his way out and saying, ‘Years from now you’ll look back and be glad for what I did to you,’” said one citizen. “It’s the first time I’ve been glad I lost my home and I‘m living in a homeless shelter with no television,” said another. “What a relief I don’t have health insurance and couldn’t afford to have a heart transplant,” said a dying Omaha, NE woman. “When you’re in the hospital you sometimes want to keep the TV turned off, but your roommate insists on turning it on.”