A Most Startling Revelation

Written By: Dan “The Man” Sklut

“Mom? Dad? You wanted to see me?”

“Yes, son. Come on in.”

“What’s this all about?”

“Son, you’re 15. You’re almost a man now, so it’s time you knew the truth.”

“What are you talking about? Mom, what’s Dad talking about?”

“Robert, we still love you, very much.”

“I love you guys too, but seriously, what did you need to tell me?”

“Son, when you were born, there was an… accident.”

“An accident? What kind of accident?”

“Well, this is kind of hard for me to say, but… uh… I can’t do this. You tell him, Heidi.”

“What your father’s trying to say is that after you were born, we took you to get circumcised.”

“But I’m not circumcised.”

“Uh, let’s put it this way. Have you ever wondered why you have only one testicle?”

“You told me that was a birth defect!”

“It was a defect that happened after your birth, so in a way, it kind of was.”

“Your mother’s right, son. The surgeon that was supposed to slice your dingle, was so overworked that day, he mixed up your chart with one of a patient diagnosed with testicular cancer. And by the time we found out about it, the damage was done.”

“And you waited this long to tell me?”

“We didn’t know how you’d take it.”

“Total shock and anger aside, I’m having a hard time believing a doctor, a trained medical professional, could operate on a newborn baby instead of a fully grown man without realizing it.”

“He wasn’t exactly what you’d call a ‘doctor,’ per se.”

“Then what was he?”

“There’s actually a pretty funny story to that. Your mother and I brought you home from the hospital a few days after you were born. We were giving you your first bath, when we realized that you needed a circumcision. This was before my promotion, and we didn’t have that much money back then. We could barely afford the pregnancy, let alone the hospital bill. But you needed that bris badly, son. That dong of yours looked like a confused anteater.”

“Mom, is Dad telling the truth? And do I really need to know this?”

“Don’t interrupt your father, Robert. This is important. Go ahead, Mike.”

“Thank you, dear. Seriously, it was like someone took a bite out of a corndog. A tiny, tiny corndog! Ha, ha! Anyway, we were strapped for cash, and I had this friend from college, Larry, who dropped out of pre-med. He was super smart, though, and he knew a lot of medical shit. So, naturally, I called him up, and told him, ‘Larry, remember the cops and Cancun, and how I bailed you out? And you told me you owed me one? Well come on over, and bring your kit.’ He was pretty hung over that day, but that little bump of coke really perked him up. I guess we weren’t his only patients, though, and mistakes do happen, you know?”

“At any time did it occur to you that maybe you shouldn’t have left my surgery in the hands of an inexperienced drug addict?”

“What do you mean ‘drug addict?’ You do a little coke, maybe some speed, and a tiny shot of H to cool you down, and suddenly you’re a drug addict? Well, then, by your definition, your mother and I were drug addicts, too!”

“Where do you think he got the coke, anyway?”

“You can’t be serious, Mom. Did you really think it was healthy to be doing hard drugs right after giving birth?”

“I don’t know. Was it healthy to be doing hard drugs right during my pregnancy?”

“I didn’t just hear that!”

“I gotta tell ya, Robert, you’re taking this all really well. I’m almost proud of you, even. I’m not, but I’m like this close to feeling a little pride. Now would you like to know why you have no ears?”

“Was it because of the drugs?”

“No, we just cut them off.”