Whirled News - Hurricane Gustav Named Perfect Storm of 21st Century

Hurricane Gustav was today designated the Perfect Storm of the 21st Century by Republican National Committee Chairman Robert Duncan.

“It was a minor hurricane that the national media helped us blow up into a potential major crisis. This not only enabled even FEMA to manage it, but it helped us get out of the embarrassment of having Presidents Bush and Cheney appear at our convention. In addition, it enabled us to downsize our convention to avoid any comparisons with the Democrats’ convention.”

Hurricane Gustav has thus entered history as the Perfect Storm, a timely convergence of the media’s propensity to blow up every event into a crisis, coupled with the Republicans’ need to appear competent and humanitarian, divert focus from their convention, and erase memories of their response to Katrina.

“Quite frankly, we were at a loss what to do until this tropical storm finally began to look as if it might become a hurricane,” said Duncan, “Suddenly we realized that we could divert the focus from our convention to a titanic battle with nature on the rampage. Overnight we shifted the focus from Operation Goosestep to Hurricane Gustav.”

“FEMA is not going to let down its guard and let the realization seep in that we needlessly evacuated millions of people just to appear that we know what we’re doing and that we care about people’s safety and welfare,” said Director Michael Chertoff, “We insist upon reminding people that the danger is not yet over, flooding in New Orleans is still a possibility, we remain vigilant, and we are not going to let people back into their homes until we have completely milked this.”

When reporters pointed out that New Orleans temporarily floods after every major rainstorm until the pumps can catch up with the rainfall, and mass evacuations have never been necessary due to that kind of flooding, an angry Chertoff responded, “That’s not what flooding from Hurricane Gustav will be about. Levee walls may be breached and it is only because of the millions of dollars we spent restoring some of them to their shaky pre-Katrina state that worse disaster may be avoided.”

To mollify reporters, Chertoff offered to pass out bottles of ice water as soon as the trucks make it into the city from Maine.