Whirled News - President Unveils New Economic Stimulus Plan

Taking steps to revitalize the struggling United States economy, President Bush today announced a four-point economic stimulus plan.

“As your President, I’m well aware that it behoovers me to do something to ease the pain of ordinary Americans,” the President declared.

The first step of the new economic stimulus plan, the President said, calls for a joint private industry-government initiative between the government and one of the nation’s largest employers.

“McDonald’s has agreed to not cut wages of its employees for the next 4 months, and they’re even gonna try to hire a few more folks,” the President announced. “This temporary wage guarantee and job increase should reassure thousands of Americans that better days are just around the corner.”

He urged Americans to support McDonald’s patriotic initiative.

“Freddie Mac may be done for,” he said, “But patriotic Americans can still get out there and buy more Big Macs for their families for tonight’s dinner.”

Recognizing that a revitalized Big Mac market will require significantly more sodium, the President announced that the government was opening up a string of salt mines in the nation’s deserts, which will create hundreds of additional government jobs for laborers. “Because all our money’s temporarily tied up in Iraq and Afghanistan, we’re not sure whether we’ll pay these folks,” the President said, “But we’ll give them a place to stay and something to eat each day.”

The second and third points of the President’s new economic stimulus plan call for more tax cuts for the wealthy and more drilling for oil.

“Everyone’s gotta do their share during these times,” the President declared. “I know our nation’s wealthy are upset about being criticized for not paying as much taxes as everyone else, but I’m asking them to endure a little more criticism for the sake of our economy. Sometimes you’ve got to make some hard decisions and shoulder some tough talk when you’re in a position of responsibility.”

The President also stressed the importance of more oil drilling, noting that, “By now it should be apparent to just about everybody that oil is our nation’s lifeblood.”

Finally, the fourth step of the new economic stimulus plan calls for a national treasure hunt.

“It’s a little like in that Nicholas Cage movie,” the President said, “Only this is more real.”

The President announced that he was awarding a million dollars to any American who could locate the Dow Jones average, which dropped out of sight last week. The clues, the President said, would be hidden in large banks and corporations and in Halliburton subsidiaries around the world. When it was pointed out that this gave an advantage to the nation’s wealthiest and most powerful people because ordinary Americans couldn’t get into those places to find the clues, the President pointed out that “Leveling the playing field is the kind of thing that Communists and Socialists talk about.”