Whirled News - God Expresses Despair Over Presidential Primaries

A visibly exhausted God lapsed into a rare moment of despair today at His press conference following last night’s presidential primaries.

“With these latest results, it’s looking like this campaign is going to drag on forever,” He said, “And until everyone stops talking about all these other issues, no one’s going to do anything about global warming. Because of hundreds of extra tons of hydrocarbon emissions in the atmosphere, Atlas has retired with crippling bursitis, and I’ve had to take over for him. Honest to Me, I can’t hold off this global warming all by Myself much longer.”

Reporters tried to cheer Him up by pointing out that at least the Republican nominee was decided, but God saw little good news in that.

“That alter kaker McCain may not live until the November election,” He said, “and that will put everything right back to people talking about all these other things again.”

Informed of God’s comments, Republican presumptive nominee John McCain said, “While I would never disagree with anything God says, my friends, I would point out to Him that unless we uphold our honor in Iraq, stay the course and prevail, it’s irrelevant whether the entire world ecosystem collapses. Would you rather live in a world in which Al-Qaeda is on the loose? They thrive in hot weather and barren deserts.”

The Democratic nominees also respectfully disagreed with God.

“Oh, I’m sure God will save us and leave me time to focus on other issues that will garner me votes,” said Senator Hillary Clinton. “If I can do things like fit into my pants suits and transubstantiate my vote on Iraq, He can stop global warming.”

Senator Barack Obama’s office also issued a statement, expressing his concern for God.

“God’s statements today, lacking His usual grandiloquence, show how exhausted He is,” he said. “But let me assure every one of you that I intend to carry my own oration forward into the future until such time as He is able to extend His oratorical glory to all of us once again and unite us all in common mission. And even if the pace of global warming is now happening faster than most scientists predicted, change is what we’re all about, isn’t it? My fellow Americans, we must never change out of fear but we must never fear to change.”

Reflecting His growing despair, twice during His press conference, God tried to focus on good news but both times veered toward darkness again.

“At least last night’s results knocked Crazy Mike out of the race,” He said at one point. “But he may be back as a Vice Presidential candidate, and he’s one of those guys who thinks responsibility for everything rests on Me.”

Later in the conference, God momentarily expressed optimism about Ralph Nader entering the race.

“There’s the only guy who will stand up to corporate interests and meaningfully implement alternate energy,” He said. “But even if this Nader guy somehow gets elected and sets up windmills all across the country, a year later he’s likely to start knocking them down with his lance.”