Whirled News - Democrats, Republicans Call for Unity on Economic Stimulus Plan

January 20, 2008 (CHICAGO)—Democratic and Republican congressional leaders, backing the Bush administration’s plan to stimulate the economy by paying an estimated $800 each to millions of United States citizens, requested the media not to refer to the plan as “hush money.”

“This is a genuine economic stimulus package, not a way to get people to focus on the short-term gratification of getting an $800 check and to ignore how much we and our friends have stuffed into our own pockets during the last eight years,” they said in a joint statement. “This is not hush money. We fully expect the media to continue to silently question the massive tax cuts to the rich and the unprecedented redistribution of the wealth to the top one percent of the country. We’re just asking that they continue to question it silently. That makes it more like prayer, and even the media’s not against prayer, are they?”

Asked why they chose to give away money to selected citizens rather than to create broad-based work and social programs that look to the country’s economic future, government economic spokesperson Kay Syrah replied, “We are looking to the future. When this President leaves office in January of 2009, he’s determined to leave it on a temporary high note. And the notion of government works programs is soooo 1940’s. Our President’s entire life has been about trusting that God and family friends will shelter him from the disastrous consequences of his short-term decisions and their long-term consequences, and we fully intend to go with what has always worked for him. We invite all Americans to participate in the opportunity of being remade in our own image. Short-term greed and denial is working for global warming, and, trust us, it’ll work for our economy as well.”

Congressional Democratic leaders however revealed a crack in the unity, expressing reluctance to back a provision of the economic stimulus plan that calls for prosecuting for treason anyone putting their check into savings instead of buying something. “Treason’s way over the top,” said a Democratic spokesperson. “We’re insisting that the charges be reduced to theft of government property.” Democrats also reassured their nervous constituents that they will continue to press the President for additional meaningless changes and not cave in to his most egregious demands until the last possible minute. “In everything we do, we mean business,” said House Leader Nancy Pelosi. “Think about that, and believe it.”